Robert's Grief
by coolconnor95
Summary: Robert thought giving up James was the only way to save his son, but he finds himself intensely regretting the decision. (Rated k for some depression themes. Written for the Variety in OUAT forum's May 2019 month. Oneshot.)


**Summary: Robert thought giving up James was the only way to save his son, but he finds himself intensely regretting the decision. **

**More Details: Rated k+ for some depression themes. Written for the Variety in OUAT forum's May 2019 month. Oneshot.**

**Other Characters: David is a baby and he's in this a lot but I did not tag him since he's so little**

**Check the end of the work for more notes.**

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He wasn't sure how it was possible to regret a decision that had saved both his son's lives, and yet, he couldn't help but regret it with the depths of his soul. He had to keep reminding himself that he only had one boy now. Just his precious David; James was gone now. He'd lost one of his sons, all because he was unable to provide for them. But, it was better than losing them both to the illness he couldn't afford medicine for, wasn't it?

Robert wasn't so sure anymore. It had only been a few days since the imp had taken James to be a prince in King George's castle. Ruth hadn't left David's side, and her eyes were often red and puffy. He'd let his wife down too. He'd let his entire family down. But what could he do about it? Nothing.

He took a swig of his drink, watching Ruth hum to a screaming David. They had been taking turns trying to soothe him for days. He had never been separated from James before, and without his twin, David was nearly inconsolable. Ruth tended to have a bit more luck then him, perhaps because he couldn't stop his voice from breaking while talking anymore. The grief was too great. Sure, James was alive, but he felt like he lost a piece of his soul.

He took one more sip of the alcohol, before rising to go over to his wife. She was exhausted; they all were. Even little David was tired of crying. "I can try again," he offered. His voice was so quiet, especially compared to David's shrieks, so at first, he wasn't sure if she heard him or not.

But then she moved, handing David over to him. Robert took ahold of his little son, alternating between bouncing him up and down and rocking him in his arms. The change of who was holding him quieted David, but only for a moment. Soon he was crying again.

"I know, I know," Robert told the little one in his arms. "I miss him too David. I miss him too."

Ruth got up and left then, walking to the other side of the room. He glanced at her but tried to focus most of his attention on the child in his arms.

He missed holding them both at the same time to give their mother a break and humming to them as she watched with a happy smile. He missed James in a way he'd never known was possible. He'd grieved for dead relatives and friends before, but this was a different type of grief. James was alive. He was just gone forever, and Robert would never be allowed to see him again, or even to call him son.

David was still screaming, despite Robert's best efforts to rock him calmly. Perhaps his heartbeat was too wild, or perhaps David understood that aching feeling of losing a family member to fate instead of to death. In the depths of his soul, Robert was howling just like his infant son. The pain was just that great.

Ruth didn't stay on the other side of the room long. She came back to them quickly, wiping tears from her eyes as she sat down. "I could try feeding him again Robert," she suggested, so Robert handed David back to his mother.

David didn't look very happy, but he did start to suck, giving both his parents a break from his cries. "Robert, I've been thinking," Ruth said. "You were right." Her voice sounded so broken as she said that, and he reached forward to put a hand on her shoulder. "As painful as this is, you were right. This was the only way to save them. Not just David, James too."

His heart twisted, and he shook his head slowly. "No, no. You were right. I shouldn't have agreed. I could have done something else. I could have stolen the medicine. I could have –"

"Stop." It wasn't forceful, but her words sounded so tired that he complied instantly. "You could have been caught. How would the boys survive, sick and without a father? How would I have survived, on my own with two children?"

Robert removed his hand and looked at the floor, taking a deep, shuddering breath. He could hear her shifting herself and David, and soon, it was her reaching out to place a hand on his shoulder. "Robert, we did the only thing we could to give them both their best chance at life. There was nothing else we could have done."

He wasn't sure he could agree. Guilt was gnawing at him. If he'd just been a better provider, they could have kept him. If only he had tried harder. "How will he know Ruth?" Robert asked instead. "He'll never know why we gave him away. We can't tell him. We can't even tell anyone we ever had another son."

That was when his tears started to fall. He could hear her sniffling too, but she rubbed his shoulder gently. "We can't do anything about that Robert. But we can be here, for David, and for each other. We – we'll always love James." Her voice started to crack, and he turned to look at her, grasping her free hand instead of letting it rest on his shoulder. That way, they could both comfort each other.

"Robert, you have to realize that we can't do anything else for him. We gave him his best chance. He's not sick anymore. He's with a king! We, we need to focus on David now. We can't do anything else for James, but we can be here for David. We need to be here, for him."

Robert slowly shook his head. He knew she was right, he knew it, and yet … "But it's all my fault. If I had made more money, if I had just worked harder, if I –"

"Robert, please," she interrupted again. "You couldn't have done anything else. You did your best. You have to try not to blame yourself."

But, how could he not? The guilt was gnawing at him. If he had made more money, James could still be here. If he'd told the imp no, James would still be here. His own hands and the flip of a coin had decided his son's fate! How could he not blame himself?

"I let him down. I let you all down," he responded, tears still in his eyes.

Ruth sighed. "Robert, really, what else could you have done? Realistically, what else could you have done?"

Realistically? She was probably right. He couldn't have done anything. But if he'd just been better, stronger, shrewder with his money, something! If he could have been a better man than he was, James would be here still. But he wasn't better, he was just himself, just a failure.

"Nothing," he responded.

"We did our best. We have to hope he'll be happy in his new life. There's nothing more we can do for him."

Robert nodded quietly. She was right. James' new father was a king. He would want for nothing, and yet worry and guilt still ate at him. George wasn't known for kindness to the people. Surely a son would be different, but what if George treated James like he treated all his subjects? What if James needed affection that he couldn't receive?

He wanted to ask her these questions, even though he knew she'd probably tell him to stop again. She wanted him to calm down, even though they'd lost a child and it was all his fault.

Before he could decide if he should bring the questions up, David was finished eating. He started screaming again. Ruth adjusted her dress, and Robert quietly took their son back. He tried to rock David as he looked at his wife. She was exhausted … "Try to sleep? I'll try to soothe David."

"Thank you," she whispered, giving him a little kiss on the cheek and gently rubbing his shoulder one last time, before she went to their bed.

Robert sat up with David, rocking the screaming little boy. "James has his best chance, and you have yours, but if only I could have given him better. If only this wasn't his best chance. If only … oh David. You miss him so much. I miss him too. Please don't hate me for losing him. My best wasn't good enough, but it was still my best." Tears slipped down his face as he watched his screaming infant. Ruth might not hate him for it. David would soon forget he had ever had a brother, and James likely wouldn't know where he came from either. No one would blame Robert for what he did, and yet, Robert blamed himself.

As he tried to get David to sleep, he realized he probably never would forgive himself, even if James one day told Robert it wasn't his fault. James was going to live the life of a prince. He might even be relieved that he wouldn't have to grow up in poverty, with a father that couldn't provide for his family.

And what about David? The crying boy was stuck with a father who was failing the entire family. He couldn't afford medicine for his own sons. He could barely put food on the table. What kind of life was that for him?

David was crying now because he missed his brother, but later, what if he cried because Robert couldn't provide? What if he continued to fail his son, over and over? He only had one now, and yet, he still wasn't sure he could provide.

David's shrill cries bore into his soul. They reminded him of his failure. He couldn't protect James. He couldn't even provide for David or Ruth. What could he do?

Tears started to slip down his face as he realized. Nothing, he could do nothing. He couldn't take care of his own offspring, or his wife. He was a failure. He had failed James, and he would likely continue to fail the rest of his family. Nothing would, or could, ever change the fact that he had failed them all.

He sniffled and wiped tears from his eyes, wincing at the loud cries from David. "I'm sorry your father is a failure son. I'm so sorry." But his son just kept on screaming, reminding him that nothing he could ever do would be good enough to provide or support his family.

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**Author's Note: I was inspired by season 6 episode 12, Murder Most Foul. Here we get a glimpse at what David's father was like and I wanted to explore his initial reaction to losing James here. It was also written for a forum I run on here, Variety in OUAT. For May 2019, the prompts were to write about adoption and foster care, so here is a look at birth parents dealing with grief after having to give their child up. I hope you enjoyed this little oneshot!**


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